Some Things You Can't Blame on Tony
by hawkstout
Summary: Or: Tony Might Have a Bigger Family Than He Thought. Tony's really not to blame on this one. Ultron wasn't his idea, wasn't made by him, he wasn't even in the room when Hank Pym first gave the killer robot life. Seriously, stop blaming him!


A/N: The Universe is a bit of the Movieverse (In that JARVIS is an AI) and a lot of the comics. It will name a lot of Superheroes that no one will have ever heard of, but you need no prior information on them to get what's going on here. Also keep in mind that I may not know EVERYTHING about the Marvel universe so if I'm wrong about random stuff I apologise. Remember it's an alternate universe—or… something.

Oh there's a bit of Steve/Tony because I can't help myself, but it is not really a big thing save for a punchline or two.

"So Mr. Stark after the latest attack by Ultron how do you feel about—"

Tony Stark quickly raised his hand in front of the camera, "Ah uh, nope, that one's not me."

"Sir?" The interviewer sounded confused. Tony rolled his eyes. They were seated in the Avenger's Mansion, Tony in a business suit drinking a diet (virgin) coke and talking about how business was going, the Avengers, if Captain America and he were still an item and throughout the entire process he was genial and magnanimous, but apparently the old (childish) Tony Stark was coming out to play for this one.

"A lot of people have claimed me the father of their child, hell magazines were calling baby bumps Tony Bumps for a while, but as slutty as I might seem on paper—and in real life—I know how to be careful, I support safe sex and condom use and –and this totally wasn't the point I was trying to make. The point is: Ultron's not mine."

"Ex—excuse me?" The interviewer seemed generally confused.

"Ultron isn't my baby," Tony clarified, "He isn't my AI system, hell originally he wasn't even made up of my tech. I don't mean to rub this in because the guy's been through a lot, most of it caused by that crazy robot, but Ultron is Hank Pym's not mine."

"Um." The interviewer must have been new or something, because this was gold.

"Okay, I'm going to go on the record for this," Tony said filling the silence when the interviewer seemed to have nothing to ask after his outburst, "Because when people see Ultron in any of his forms they always say, 'Oh look what that bad man Tony Stark has done.' It's irritating. I'm a recovering alcoholic, a genius, a billionaire, a former weapons dealer, I make technological marvels, and I'm a superhero so, yeah, a lot of bad things have happened because of the decisions actions, and accidents I have made. I'll be the first to admit it. I only take half the credit for the whole Civil War thing but—"

"Tony!" Captain America grumbled from the background.

"My point is," Tony said quickly, "I don't need Ultron to be added to the pile of 'Shit Tony Did.' _My_ AI's are smart, charming, and occasionally smarmy, but they do not try to take control of the world! Isn't that right JARVIS?"

"_I fear it would be rather exhausting Sir, I can barely manage to keep control of you."_

"See, smarmy, but not homicidal," Tony crossed his arms with an annoyed look, "I …may have put the idea in Pym's head, I'll admit that. Back in the old days we kind of had a bit of a rivalry. Me and Bruce, we're Science Bros, but me and Pym? We were always trying to one up each other. I said during dinner one night while bragging about JARVIS—"

"_Thank you, Sir." _

"—You're welcome—while bragging about JARVIS that no one would be able to come up with an AI that came as close to human as JARVIS within our lifetimes." Tony frowned at this a regretful look on his face, "Boy was I wrong…that—that one you can blame a bit on me." Tony looked sad for a moment, but his energy caught up with him again, "Steve back me up on this one?" Tony pleaded when the interviewer still didn't say anything.

"He's very sensitive about this issue," Captain America shrugged, "I'm not quite sure why."

"Why? Because I don't want to be a part of that insane family!" Tony jumped, "Let's think about this for a moment you've got his "father" Hank Pym who as I said, working on his issues, but still—"

"Tony," Cap said sharply.

Tony quickly moved on, "There was Janet, who's fine, I loved Janet." Tony looked pained here, "There's the bride of Ultron Jocasta that he _based on Jan's brainwaves_ his mother's brainwaves—did I mention the giant Oedipus complex Ultron has?—He also had Alkhema his next bride that he based on Mockingbird's brain wave pattern. There's the Vision his son a good guy, but as far as I know he never divorced the Scarlet Witch—" Tony looked sad again thinking about Wanda, "She comes with her brother Quicksilver and they come with their father—let's not talk about their father. I mean God, it doesn't even stop there! The Vision has a brother-don't ask me how…I think it involves the original Human Torch. You could also include Wonder Man into this crazy mix since the Vision's brainwave pattern was originally a copy of his. Then there's Wonder Man's brother is the Grim Reaper… Mockingbird was married to Hawkeye…" Tony's hair was now messy from how many times he ran a hand through it, "Oh, and by the way Ultron actually admits and expresses that this ENTIRE GROUP is his family."

"Tony you've thought about this way too much…" Steve said after a long awkward pause entering the camera's view. He patted Tony on the shoulder.

"Oh Steve, that doesn't even scratch the surface. If you think about it Vision was later brought back with Iron Lad's mental imprint. Iron Lad, who in another time line becomes Kang the Conqueror and who happens to be a descendant of Reed and Susan wait… the Richards… Hyperstorm… Rachel Sum—Why the hell is everyone in the Universe related to Cyclopes! Seriously? How is that even possible!"

"Tony you're taking this too far… and you're hyperventilating." Tony steadied his breathing.

"I'm fine… really I am—wait… if you count Quicksilver's ex Crystal and their daughter Luna you can also include Medusa, Crystal's sister and… and then Blackbolt and the Inhumans and the Cree and—"

"Tony stop reciting genealogy and calm down," Steve said shaking him slightly. Tony blinked.

"Right… right sorry." He took a few deep calming breaths, "I'm sorry I got carried away. In my defense I get labeled as the creator of Ultron a lot and it, as you can see, comes with lots of baggage. But, and this is the important bit, I didn't invent Ultron. I _have_ TECHNICALLY built AN Ultron… the… ninth? Yeah, I think it was the ninth Ultron, but that was a post-hypnotic suggestion made by him I was a machine putting the parts together in that case. I have had my armor possessed by Ultron… hell… and God this was creepy I've had _me_ AND my armor get possessed by Ultron at the same time, but I still didn't bring Ultron into this world. I am in no way related to Ultron. Talk to someone else if you want to talk about it. Why don't we talk about Steve turning down my proposal? That at least involves me somehow!"

"Uh…huh." The interviewer said at last. This was going to need some major editing.

There was a sudden loud crash and through the window came the Vision hitting the wall with a loud thud. Tony and Steve looked at each other wide-eyed. Ultron appeared through the broken window.

Tony very slowly mouthed an obscenity.

"_Uncle Tony, it wouldn't me a family reunion without you." _

"This is why I said no, I don't want to be part of that crazy family either," Steve admitted candidly.

"This is so not going to be fun," Tony whimpered.

"**Avengers Assemble!**"

A/N: And of course that all means that Ultron is JARVIS' cousin.

Erm so I was looking at the Avengers TV Tropes page and it goes on about Ultron's 'family.' I then did some wiking and found some interesting facts about Tony Stark… I then realized how often Tony gets blamed for Ultron which goes as far as to have that Avengers of Tomorrow (or whatever it was called) cartoon movie make it entirely Tony's fault. This is what happened… forgive me?


End file.
